[We Love Us theme plays]
Lard: "(sings along, then cheers and claps)
Mark: "Ah, yes, and we reach the climax of this gripping quality radio item, We Love Us, all this week it is the membership of Radiohead, and as a grand finale, we've got Thom. Hello Thom!
Mark: "How are ya?
Thom: "Fine, fine
Mark: "Are you? Where are you?
Mark: "Portugal, right
Thom: "Staring at the motorway
Mark: "Oh, right. What did you do last night, did you have a gig last night? You were rehearsing yesterday, weren't you?
Thom: "Rehearsing, yeah, it was the last day of rehearsal. This is our first proper gig for a long time
Mark: "Is it tonight, yeah? And did you sound alright, or was it a bit of a shed?
Thom: "Oh, it was a...shed
Mark: "Was it?
Thom: "A big shed
Mark: "(laughs) ok, right a big shed. Of course. Right, well listen, now before we start on your questions, we've got to sort something out, did you hear about this, because we had a difference of opinion on how tall you were
Thom: "Oh, yes, I did hear that, actually
Mark: "Did you?
Thom: "Yes, five five, I mean that's like clinically disabled, isn't it, or something?
Mark: "Well, it's very small, certainly. I mean you know, a lot of my best friends are five foot five
Lard: "Iggy Pop's about that
Mark: "Is he? He is tiny. So what you're saying is that you're bigger than that?
Thom: "Oh, a little bit bigger than that
Thom: "Only by like an inch and a little bit though
Mark: "Right, so we said five five, and big Ed said five seven, so who's closer, him or us?
Thom: "Well, it would have to be Ed
Mark: "Ed. Alright then
Lard: "Well done, Ed!
Mark: "Well done, Ed, that puts you up to three, which brings you up to....bottom place!
Lard: "Still losing
Mark: "(laughs) So that was well worth doing, wasn't it?
Thom: "I'm about to redress that, I think
Mark: "Oh, right. You've got to get five, because you know, otherwise we're going to have to have a tie-break, or give away three or four foot-spas
Thom: "What if I get nought? Oh, no I have to get five, don't I?
Mark: "You have to get five, yeah
Mark: "Right, here we go then
Mark: "Your album, Pablo Honey was mixed by...
Mark: "Why were you sounding like (laughs)....you just sounded like you were giving up already there
Mark: "Was mixed by Sean Slade and Paul Q Kolderie
Mark: "At Fort Apache, Roxbury, in which American state?
Mark: "Is the right answer!
Lard: "Wooooh!!! (claps) Easy!!
Mark: "Easy, well: Where was Phil born?
Thom: "Oh. (laughs)
Mark: "You got cocky there, didn't you?
Thom: "I don't know
Mark: "You don't know?
Thom: "That is...I...I...that is...
Lard: "Give him a clue
Mark: "What? Give him a clue?
Lard: "Give him a clue
Thom: "Go on, a clue
Mark: "A clue? Well, it's not Oxford, but...
Thom: "But? Oh no!
Mark: "The other one. Not Oxford, but...
Lard: "Boat race
Thom: "Boat....erm...ok, let's say er...
Mark: "Say something, Thom, for god's sake
Thom: "Ah! Cambridge
Lard: "(whoops and cheers) Magnifico!!! Ah, fantastic!!!
Thom: "You can't have silence on the radio, can you?
Mark: "You can't have what?
Thom: "Have silence on the radio
Mark: "You can't have silence on the radio. We've got a tune playing, we have lots of awkward silences, you know, that's our act
Thom: "(laughs a lot)
Mark: "Right, now then, this is a good question, this, I'm intrigued by this, on your recent Japanese tour, you all had pseudonyms, right?
Mark: "Can you match the name up with the person? This is good that. We'll leave yours out, because presumably you know that...
Thom: "Yeah, I know
Mark: "What was yours, out of interest?
Thom: "Uzi Kalashnikov
Mark: "(laughs) Right, ok then. Right, so we've got Colin, Ed, Jonny and Phil, which you know, because they're the rest of the people in the group. I'm patronising you here, aren't I? I'm not intending to. Right, “Gary Bloke”
Thom: "Oh, that's Ed
Mark: "No, it's Colin!
Lard: "Ooooooh!!!!! See, your confidence misplaced
Thom: "Argh!!! Oh no!!!
Mark: "Oh no!! “Toot Balden” I mean he's wrong now, anyway
Thom: "That's Ed
Lard: "That's Ed
Mark: "That's Ed, “Toot Balden”. “Syd Barrett”
Thom: "That's...that's Jonny
Mark: "Yep. “Sidney Quit”
Mark: "Well that has to be Phil by the process of elimination, dunnit? Right yeah, half a point for that, because you got three out of four
Mark: "You're desperate to hang onto some...
Thom: "I'm trying hard here
Mark: "Right, we are trying hard, we're bending over backwards
Mark: "Right, now then, complete the following lyrics. This is a singer's question because...you sing. I'm stating the bleeding obvious today, innit? No wonder I'm a DJ
Mark: "“He lives with his mother, but we show him respect, he's a dangerous bigot, but we always forget, and he's just like his daddy”
Mark: "Oh, Thom! Oh, Thom!
Thom: "No, I don't know
Mark: "Awww!! Right “because he cheats on his friends and he steals and he bullies”, and all that sort of thing
Thom: "Oh, god, that's terrible
Mark: "How Do You. How Do You off Pablo Honey. Right, ok.
Thom: "Oh dear
Mark: "Well, it's a bit academic now, really, isn't it?
Thom: "Mmmm hmm
Mark: "Right, ok then. On September the seventh, you're going to be playing at the Empress Ballroom, in which seaside town is that?
Thom: "Oh dear
Mark: "Oh, Thom...actually this is interesting, because if you get this one wrong, you're below...
Thom: "Isn't that Brighton?
Mark: "No, it's Blackpool, our kid
Lard: "Ohhhhhh!!! Poor show, Thom! Poor show!
Mark: "Thom...Thom is bottom
Mark: "So Ed will be pleased, because he got his...you gave him his point and then you sort of had the fantastic...you came under him
Thom: "So, how under am I?
Mark: "You're half under Ed
Lard: "Not a bad place to be
Mark: "No, there you go, so sorry about that, Thom, we were hoping you were going to win today
Mark: "We've got to sort this out now, we've got three people tying on four
Thom: "So, you're just going to ring them up now?
Mark: "Well, we're going to have to sort out something for next week
Lard: "What we'll do is when we're in Barcelona, we'll have a competition with the three winners to see who can wee the highest up a wall and the winner gets a spa. What do you think?
Mark: "Nah, I think that's a...
Lard: "I think that's alright
Thom: "You might get arrested
Mark: "(laughs) That's it. Right, ok. I mean that's a bit of a cop-out, really, and it's all ended in a bit of a sad shambles, so...
Thom: "Oh, that's fine
Mark: "It's alright. No, it's not your fault, Thom, it's alright, it's good of you to come on. Shall we just...let's just have a moment's silence while we contemplate the mess we're in
Thom: "Ok, good, yeah. Can I eat my apple?
Mark: "Yeah, you eat your apple
Thom: "Ok (munches on apple)
Lard: "Eat it quietly, Thom
Mark: "Right, so that's that then
Lard: "Awwww!!!! Oh, well
Mark: "We'll sort that out next week, anyway. We can't give away three foot-spas, we're not made of money
Lard: "Too expensive
Mark: "Too expensive
Mark: "Alright, what a tragic ending. Anyway, right then now, Thom, you should have a question for us to complete the great big competition to go to Barcelona, shouldn't you?
Thom: "Yeah, yeah
Mark: "Alright then, go on, let's have your question
Thom: "Ok, erm...Which godlike stand-up comedian did we dedicate The Bends to?
Mark: "Right, ok
Thom: "It's easy
Mark: "Right, that is easy. Ok then, So then: Which godlike stand-up comedian, deceased
Mark: "is The Bends dedicated to? You should have five questions now, if you haven't, tough sh...
Mark: "Tough. Right, yeah, get the five answers, obviously, we don't want the questions back, we've already got them
Mark: "Right, so get your answers on a postcard, or something or other, and please send them in to “I want to go to Barcelona with psychotic Pat the studio audience”
Mark: "Is the name of the competition, and it's The Breakfast Show, BBC Radio 1, Oxford Road, Manchester, M60 1SJ. “I want to go to Barcelona with psychotic Pat the studio audience”
Mark: "The Breakfast Show, BBC Radio 1, Oxford Road, Manchester, M60 1SJ. Alright then, Thom, good luck with the gig tonight
Mark: "And get some practice in, because we want you to be good when we come and see you
Mark: "(laughs). Alright then. We look forward to seeing you in Barcelona
Thom: "See ya!
Lard: "Adios, amigo!
Mark: "Nice to talking to you, Thom out of Radiohead!
[We Love Us theme plays]
Mark: "Here's the record...
[Plays Paranoid Android]