This is a transcript from an audio recording of the broadcast.
Mark: "I have a Mystery Celebrity on the line. Mystery Celebrity, are you there?
Thom: "[accent] Yes, I’m here.
Mark: "All right then, we have a Mystery Celebrity on the line. The rules still apply, Anthony and Ben, are you ready to play? I don’t even know what the prizes are but we’ll send you some rubbish... Anyway, okay here we go, clues coming from our real mystery celebrity (and not Lard with a daft voice). [jingle] First clue please mystery person!
Thom: "[accent] I have had several tonsorial escapades. Not all of them were disasters.
Mark: "[laughs] Right, okay then, who do you think it might be, Anthony?
Anthony: "Is it by any chance your dad, Mark?
Mark: "It’s not my dad!
Lard: "Oh, good call!
Mark: "Although that was considered at one point... hello dad! All right then, here’s a clue for Ben.
Thom: "[accent] I was born on October 7th, 1968.
Mark: "Ben, any ideas?
Ben: "Ermm... no.
Mark: "No, all right, fair enough. Another clue for Anthony.
Thom: "[accent] As a kid, I once gargled on a gallon of Michael Stipe’s expor... tex... pex... sputum.
Mark: "Ah, right okay. “As a kid I gargled on a gallon of Michael Stipe’s sputum”, Anthony.
Anthony: "Uh... Robbie Williams?
Mark: "Possible, isn’t it? But not right, no. Another clue please, mystery person!
Thom: "[accent] As a teenager I used to rehearse with my band... never on a Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Saturday. Always on a Friday.
Mark: "Hmm... Ben?
Ben: "Well I was gonna say Lard’s dad, but that’s probably wrong.
Mark: "Well, it is wrong, you’re right. Here’s one for Anthony.
Thom: "[clears throat] [accent] My mate Edward is a tall, devilishly handsome figure of a man, but is prone to susurration. I keep telling him: stop whispering.
Mark: "[laughs] It’s funny when you know who it is!
Lard: "[laughs] Eh?
Mark: "Anthony! Right.
Anthony: "Is it Thom Yorke?
Mark: "Well, we should open the visor! [laughs] Just for old time’s sake... and welcome to the programme from a mystery location, Thomas of Yorke!
Thom: "[accent] Hello! [laughs]
Mark: "Hello! [laughs] How are you?
Lard: "You put me to shame there, with that voice.
Thom: "[laughs] Yeah, I was just getting in my flow.
Mark: "There’s loads more to go, but they go it! Perhaps Stop Whispering was it, Anthony, as a Radiohead tune, yeah?
Anthony: "No, it was Edward!
Mark: "Edward, yes, Ed O’Brien! Very tall. And always On A Friday they would call them. Right, well, Ben, I’m sorry about that...
Ben: "It’s all right, second time I’ve been on, second time I’ve lost! I’m used to it now.
Mark: "Is it? At least there won’t be a third time lucky for you, will there? Anyway, Ben, would you like Thom Yorke to do any greetings for you?
Ben: "I’d like Thom Yorke to just say “well done to you two for being brilliant for the last seven years.” It’s been fantastic.
Mark and Lard: "Aww...
Thom: "Well done to you two for being brilliant for the last several years!
Mark: "Thanks, Thom!
Lard: "Aww, thanks, Thom.
Mark: "Ben, nice talking to you!
Ben: ""Privilege to talk to you, too. It’s been the best radio show ever, I’m gonna miss it loads!
Mark: "Very kind of you to say, thanks Ben! Anthony, congratulations you go down in history as the last ever Mystery Man winner!
Anthony: "Thanks a lot; I’ve been waiting seven years to get on this show!
Mark: "All right, great! But we’ve only been on six and a half..? [laughs] But anyway! Anthony, do you want any messages from the great Thom Yorke?
Anthony: "Just a big hello to absolutely everybody that listens to your show, ‘cause we’re gonna miss it all!
Lard: "All right, very kind.
Mark: "Big hello, Thom.
Thom: "Shall I do that?
Mark and Lard: "Yeah!
Thom: "Hallo everyone who’s listening! This is the last one... what are we gonna do now?! [laughs]
Mark: "[laughs] Anthony, cheers!
Anthony: "Thank you very much.
Mark: "Thanks a lot, pleasure talking to you. And Thom Yorke, thank you for being our last ever mystery personality!
Thom: "[French accent] Oh, my pleasure!
Mark: "Where are you, by the way?
Thom: "I’m supposed to be working, doing important work in the studio.
Mark: "Another album?
Mark: "Noo, what are you doing? Just messing about, doodling?
Thom: "Yeah, just stupid noises. [accent] ‘Noysis’.
Mark: "Oh, okay then. Are the rest of them with you?
Thom: "No, I’m here on my own!
Mark: "Wowing [?] alone forever...
Thom: "They’ve got better things to do...
Mark: "Oh, okay then. Well, listen, Thom, can we just say thanks for all the times you’ve been on the show and everything, we’ve had a great time with you and the band. It’s been fantastic.
Thom: "Yeah, likewise. What’s Radio 1 gonna do without you, eh, eh, eh?
Mark: "I imagine it will survive, Thom... I imagine it will survive.
Mark: "We played ‘Pyramid Song’ from Verona yesterday, as well. That was a great time.
Thom: "Oh, wow.
Lard: "It was fantastic!
Mark: "That was great, we enjoyed that. But we hope to see you very soon.
Mark: "Anything you’ll share that Radiohead are doing that we need to know about, or is it downtime at the moment?
Thom: "It’s completely down, no ideas, scratching heads time. That’s it, no plans at all.
Mark: "I know the feeling... but Thom Yorke, thanks for coming on today, and we hope to see you very soon.
Thom: "All my love, take care!
Mark and Lard: "Thanks a lot, Thom!
Mark: "Thom Yorke on Radio 1, and it really was Thom Yorke this time! The last ever Mystery Man.