[recording starts]

[We Love Us theme plays]

Lard: "(sings along, then cheers and claps)

Mark: "Ah, yes, and we reach the climax of this gripping quality radio item, We Love Us, all this week it is the membership of Radiohead, and as a grand finale, we've got Thom. Hello Thom!

Thom: "Hi

Mark: "How are ya?

Thom: "Fine, fine

Mark: "Are you? Where are you?

Thom: "Portugal

Mark: "Portugal, right

Thom: "Staring at the motorway

Mark: "Oh, right. What did you do last night, did you have a gig last night? You were rehearsing yesterday, weren't you?

Thom: "Rehearsing, yeah, it was the last day of rehearsal. This is our first proper gig for a long time

Mark: "Is it tonight, yeah? And did you sound alright, or was it a bit of a shed?

Thom: "Oh, it was a...shed

Mark: "Was it?

Thom: "A big shed

Mark: "(laughs) ok, right a big shed. Of course. Right, well listen, now before we start on your questions, we've got to sort something out, did you hear about this, because we had a difference of opinion on how tall you were

Thom: "Oh, yes, I did hear that, actually

Mark: "Did you?

Thom: "Yes, five five, I mean that's like clinically disabled, isn't it, or something?

Mark: "Well, it's very small, certainly. I mean you know, a lot of my best friends are five foot five

Lard: "Iggy Pop's about that

Mark: "Is he? He is tiny. So what you're saying is that you're bigger than that?

Thom: "Oh, a little bit bigger than that

Mark: "Right

Thom: "Only by like an inch and a little bit though

Lard: "(laughs)

Mark: "Right, so we said five five, and big Ed said five seven, so who's closer, him or us?

Thom: "Well, it would have to be Ed

Mark: "Ed. Alright then

Lard: "Well done, Ed!

Mark: "Well done, Ed, that puts you up to three, which brings you up to....bottom place!

Lard: "Still losing

Mark: "(laughs) So that was well worth doing, wasn't it?

Thom: "I'm about to redress that, I think

Mark: "Oh, right. You've got to get five, because you know, otherwise we're going to have to have a tie-break, or give away three or four foot-spas

Thom: "What if I get nought? Oh, no I have to get five, don't I?

Mark: "You have to get five, yeah

Lard: "Yeah

Mark: "Right, here we go then

Thom: "Ok

Mark: "Your album, Pablo Honey was mixed by...

Thom: "(groans)

Mark: "What?

Thom: "What?

Mark: "Why were you sounding like (laughs)....you just sounded like you were giving up already there

Thom: "(laughs)

Mark: "Was mixed by Sean Slade and Paul Q Kolderie

Thom: "Yeah

Mark: "At Fort Apache, Roxbury, in which American state?

Thom: "Massachusetts

Mark: "Is the right answer!

Lard: "Wooooh!!! (claps) Easy!!

Thom: "Easy

Mark: "Easy, well: Where was Phil born?

Thom: "Oh. (laughs)

Mark: "You got cocky there, didn't you?

Thom: "I don't know

Mark: "You don't know?

Thom: "That is...I...I...that is...

Mark: "Oooooh!

Lard: "Give him a clue

Mark: "What? Give him a clue?

Lard: "Give him a clue

Thom: "Go on, a clue

Mark: "A clue? Well, it's not Oxford, but...

Thom: "But? Oh no!

Mark: "The other one. Not Oxford, but...

Lard: "Boat race

Thom: "Boat....erm...ok, let's say er...

Mark: "Say something, Thom, for god's sake

Thom: "Ah! Cambridge

Mark: "Cambridge!!!!

Lard: "(whoops and cheers) Magnifico!!! Ah, fantastic!!!

Thom: "You can't have silence on the radio, can you?

Mark: "You can't have what?

Thom: "Have silence on the radio

Mark: "You can't have silence on the radio. We've got a tune playing, we have lots of awkward silences, you know, that's our act

Thom: "(laughs a lot)

Mark: "Right, now then, this is a good question, this, I'm intrigued by this, on your recent Japanese tour, you all had pseudonyms, right?

Thom: "Yeah

Mark: "Can you match the name up with the person? This is good that. We'll leave yours out, because presumably you know that...

Thom: "Yeah, I know

Mark: "What was yours, out of interest?

Thom: "Uzi Kalashnikov

Mark: "(laughs) Right, ok then. Right, so we've got Colin, Ed, Jonny and Phil, which you know, because they're the rest of the people in the group. I'm patronising you here, aren't I? I'm not intending to. Right, “Gary Bloke”

Thom: "Oh, that's Ed

Mark: "No, it's Colin!

Lard: "Ooooooh!!!!! See, your confidence misplaced

Thom: "Argh!!! Oh no!!!

Mark: "Oh no!! “Toot Balden” I mean he's wrong now, anyway

Thom: "That's Ed

Lard: "That's Ed

Mark: "That's Ed, “Toot Balden”. “Syd Barrett”

Thom: "That's...that's Jonny

Mark: "Yep. “Sidney Quit”

Thom: "Phil

Mark: "Well that has to be Phil by the process of elimination, dunnit? Right yeah, half a point for that, because you got three out of four

Lard: "Wooh!!

Mark: "You're desperate to hang onto some...

Thom: "I'm trying hard here

Mark: "Right, we are trying hard, we're bending over backwards

Thom: "(laughs)

Mark: "Right, now then, complete the following lyrics. This is a singer's question because...you sing. I'm stating the bleeding obvious today, innit? No wonder I'm a DJ

Thom: "(laughs)

Mark: "“He lives with his mother, but we show him respect, he's a dangerous bigot, but we always forget, and he's just like his daddy”

Thom: "Ah...

Mark: "Oh, Thom! Oh, Thom!

Thom: "Er...

Mark: "(laughs)

Thom: "No, I don't know

Mark: "Awww!! Right “because he cheats on his friends and he steals and he bullies”, and all that sort of thing

Thom: "Oh, god, that's terrible

Mark: "How Do You. How Do You off Pablo Honey. Right, ok.

Thom: "Oh dear

Mark: "Well, it's a bit academic now, really, isn't it?

Thom: "Mmmm hmm

Mark: "Right, ok then. On September the seventh, you're going to be playing at the Empress Ballroom, in which seaside town is that?

Thom: "Erm...

Mark: "Oh...

Thom: "Oh dear

Mark: "Oh, Thom...actually this is interesting, because if you get this one wrong, you're below...

Thom: "Isn't that Brighton?

Mark: "No, it's Blackpool, our kid

Lard: "Ohhhhhh!!! Poor show, Thom! Poor show!

Mark: "Thom...Thom is bottom

Thom: "Bottom?

Mark: "So Ed will be pleased, because he got his...you gave him his point and then you sort of had the fantastic...you came under him

Thom: "So, how under am I?

Mark: "You're half under Ed

Thom: "Oh

Lard: "Not a bad place to be

Mark: "No, there you go, so sorry about that, Thom, we were hoping you were going to win today

Thom: "Sorry

Mark: "We've got to sort this out now, we've got three people tying on four

Thom: "So, you're just going to ring them up now?

Mark: "Well, we're going to have to sort out something for next week

Lard: "What we'll do is when we're in Barcelona, we'll have a competition with the three winners to see who can wee the highest up a wall and the winner gets a spa. What do you think?

Mark: "Nah, I think that's a...

Thom: "Yeeeah

Lard: "I think that's alright

Thom: "You might get arrested

Mark: "(laughs) That's it. Right, ok. I mean that's a bit of a cop-out, really, and it's all ended in a bit of a sad shambles, so...

Thom: "Oh, that's fine

Mark: "It's alright. No, it's not your fault, Thom, it's alright, it's good of you to come on. Shall we just...let's just have a moment's silence while we contemplate the mess we're in

Thom: "Ok, good, yeah. Can I eat my apple?

Mark: "Yeah, you eat your apple

Thom: "Ok (munches on apple)

Lard: "Eat it quietly, Thom

Mark: "Right, so that's that then

Lard: "Awwww!!!! Oh, well

Mark: "We'll sort that out next week, anyway. We can't give away three foot-spas, we're not made of money

Lard: "Too expensive

Mark: "Too expensive

Thom: "(laughs)

Mark: "Alright, what a tragic ending. Anyway, right then now, Thom, you should have a question for us to complete the great big competition to go to Barcelona, shouldn't you?

Thom: "Yeah, yeah

Mark: "Alright then, go on, let's have your question

Thom: "Ok, erm...Which godlike stand-up comedian did we dedicate The Bends to?

Mark: "Right, ok

Thom: "It's easy

Mark: "Right, that is easy. Ok then, So then: Which godlike stand-up comedian, deceased

Thom: "Yes

Mark: "is The Bends dedicated to? You should have five questions now, if you haven't, tough sh...

Lard: "Sugar!!

Thom: "(laughs)

Mark: "Tough. Right, yeah, get the five answers, obviously, we don't want the questions back, we've already got them

Lard: "Yep

Mark: "Right, so get your answers on a postcard, or something or other, and please send them in to “I want to go to Barcelona with psychotic Pat the studio audience”

Thom: "(laughs)

Lard: "Facile!

Thom: "Cool

Mark: "Is the name of the competition, and it's The Breakfast Show, BBC Radio 1, Oxford Road, Manchester, M60 1SJ. “I want to go to Barcelona with psychotic Pat the studio audience”

Lard: "Facile!

Mark: "The Breakfast Show, BBC Radio 1, Oxford Road, Manchester, M60 1SJ. Alright then, Thom, good luck with the gig tonight

Thom: "Thanks

Mark: "And get some practice in, because we want you to be good when we come and see you

Thom: "Ah...

Mark: "(laughs). Alright then. We look forward to seeing you in Barcelona

Thom: "See ya!

Lard: "Adios, amigo!

Mark: "Nice to talking to you, Thom out of Radiohead!

[We Love Us theme plays]

Mark: "Here's the record...

[Plays Paranoid Android]

[recording ends]