[band plays 'There There']

Jonathan Ross: "How about that? This is great! You are one of the best bands in the world!

Thom: "Really?"

Jonathan Ross: "Congratulations."

Thom: "It’s great. Every morning I get up and I think that."

Jonathan: "(laughs) But there must be a sense of... you know... you must know."

Thom: "Why?"

Jonathan: "Well, because... you must!"

Thom: "No, no, that’s a load of old..."

Jonathan: "Well, the album sounds great. There’s a new album which I have an advance copy of, and I believe people have been stealing tracks from the internet for some while now."

Jonny: "Yeah."

Jonathan: "It’s called Hail To The Thief..."

Jonny: "Yes."

Jonathan: "...and people are talking about it as a kind of return to an older form, a kind of... well, that’s what they’re saying anyway, it’s kind of rockier, it’s more immediate than the last couple of albums?"

Thom: "Yeah, well we thought the last two albums were quite immediate, and then they weren’t..."

Jonathan: "Oh come on, Kid A? You can’t have thought that was immediate!"

Thom: "Yeah, that was pretty immediate."

Jonathan: "Oh, come on! I mean, I liked it, but it took about 20 listens to get through the bloody thing from start to finish!"

(audience laughter)

Thom: "Ok, maybe not first listen."

Jonathan: "But it was great, now I love it, it’s actually probably now my favourite of your albums, actually. But it was... initially I thought 'hang on, what’s going on here...'"

Thom: "Ah well, you know. You don’t know, do you really??

Jonathan: "Well, I don’t know anything, clearly..."

Thom: "No, I don’t know anything, either."

Jonathan: "But now we’ve got to get off again, now I feel we’ve got off on the wrong foot here. I feel like I’ve said something which was untoward."

Thom: "No, no, it’s perfectly alright."

Jonathan: "Well, I’m enjoying it, I just thought maybe you weren’t. And your body language is like you’re closing up on me."

Thom: "Oh, I’m sorry, yeah."

(audience laughter)

Jonathan: "Now, this is the general perception of Radiohead, that you sit around, picking small scabs on your arms..."

(audience laughter)

Jonathan: "I’ve added that bit for colour."

Jonny: "Ok."

Jonathan: "Um... dour, gloomy, doomy, reading old Russian novels."

(Thom and Jonny laugh)

Jonathan: "But you must know this is kind of what people think of you, who don’t know you, I guess. They think of Radiohead 'oh, it’s the gloom-mongers, here they come!'"

Thom: "Yeah."

Jonathan: "With little clouds over their heads."

Thom: "Well, someone’s got to do it, haven’t they really? It’s nice that... someone’s got to provide the music for murder shows or whatever it was you were talking about..."

Jonathan: "Well, there was... from Kid A, which I thought was a tremendous album once I’d..."

Jonny: "Once you got past the 20th time."

Jonathan: "Once I’d listened to it all the way through. Every now and then I turn on the TV, it seemed to be on BBC1 and I think there was some sort of World War I show they were doing, and there were lots of shots of people dying in trenches..."

Jonny: "Mass graves. And it’s Radiohead. I know."

Jonathan: "And it’s Radiohead over the top, always. I thought that’s kind of a little bit unfair."

Thom: "Oh well, you know..."

Jonny: "Yeah. We’re never on football, never anything fun, it is true. Goal scoring, it’s not..."

Jonathan: "Well, you know we’re talking about this, I can see you’re delighted that your music is used over scenes of death and degradation!"

Thom: "Well, yeah... (audience laughter) It'd be nice if it was in discos, I suppose."

Jonathan: "Well, you could do that. We could get the Pet Shop Boys to remix you."

(Thom nods in disbelief, audience laughter)

Jonathan: "Now, can I just say something personal, is this alright Thom?"

Thom: "No, I'll see."

(laughter)

Jonathan: "Jonny, you got the hair thing going on fine."

Jonny: "How do you mean?"

Jonathan: "(Pointing at Yorke) What the hell is going on there?"

Thom: (laughs)

Jonathan: "What is that?"

Thom: "This takes me hours, man!"

Jonathan: "I can see that, but why?"

(laughter)

Jonathan: "That’s the kind of barnet you see on 'Fame Academy'."

Thom: "I can’t help it if they copy me."

Jonathan: "I like that look, but you look like someone Fagin would have picking pockets for him.

(laughter)

Jonathan: "(Gestures to Jonny) You’ve got the regular indie kid thing going..."

Jonny: "Thank you."

Jonathan: "(Gestures to Yorke) ...but you’ve got the Dickensian vibe going on."

Thom: "This has taken me bloody weeks!"

Jonathan: "It’s a great look."

Thom: "I have a stylist!"

Jonathan: "Let me ask you about..." (interrupted as audience is laughing)

Thom: "(To audience) What?"

Jonathan: "Thom, can I issue you a challenge? And you know this is coming. Jonny? You're ready for this?"

Jonny: "I don’t know what’s coming."

Jonathan: "Eurovision."

Thom: "Ah, listen. We were trying to persuade the record company to do it."

Jonny: "Yeah."

Thom: "To promote Kid A, we were like 'listen, we’re not going to do any TV, but we’ll do Eurovision'."

Jonathan: "(laughs) Oh, but that would be... you might have something catchier than one of the Kid A tracks."

Jonny: "The audience would go for it, I reckon."

Jonathan: "Well, the Norwegians would, at least we’d get one vote. I guess."

Thom: "Not nowadays."

Jonathan: "You could write... you could do a breezy, summery pop song, can you?"

Thom: "We got lots!"

Jonathan: "Something with 'Yeah Yeah Yeah' in the middle?"

Thom: "Yeah..."

Jonathan: "I got something for you to get you in the right frame of mind. OK, and this is a genuine gift from me to you. I hope you take it in the right way. I bought you... this is an album I listen to all the time. It is The Best Of Tavaris."

(laughter)

Jonny: "Right..."

Jonathan: "Now, I’m telling you, that’s one hell of a band. OK? 'Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel', do you remember that one? 'Whodunnit, who stole my baby. Whodunnit, everyone in the room looks shady.'"

(laughter)

Jonathan: "Now, I don’t expect you to come up with something as good as that."

(laughter)

Jonathan: "But all of you, I’ve got five, take them home, give them a listen, let me know. Eurovision next year. You don’t have to perform it. OK, we’ll give it to someone else. But can you imagine..."

Thom: "But we have to perform it, that’s the point."

Jonathan: "Well let’s do this, then!"

Thom: "Yeah!"

Jonathan: "Is that a deal?"

Thom: "Yeah, yeah!"

Jonathan: "Come on!"

(Ross shakes hands with Jonny and Thom, audience applause)

Jonathan: "Radiohead, Eurovision next year. Yes! I’m gonna hold you to it, you know that? Alright. That was great, thank you so much. I know this probably isn’t the easiest thing for you to do, but I appreciate it."

Thom: "Thank you so much."

Jonathan: "No, don’t start taking the piss now, Yorke!"

(laughter)

Jonathan: "Just cause I picked on your hair. Er... you’re going to do another song for us."

Jonny: "Yeah. Great."

Jonathan: "And which song are you gonna do?"

Jonny: "'Fake Plastic Trees'."

Jonathan: "Fantastic."

Thom: "This is it. This is the Eurovision one, right?. Imagine this with a sort of four-on-the-floor... (imitates trance music)"

Jonathan: "You can do that, but this is one of my favourites. I’ve got to tell you this, this is the first time... I hadn't really heard much... but Bob Mortimer used to go on about you and I used to pretend I listened to you when I hadn’t listened to you. I used to say 'great band', but I hadn’t listened, couldn’t be bothered."

(laughter)

Thom: "Miserable gits..."

Jonathan: "But then I went to see the film Clueless..."

Thom: "Ah..."

Jonathan: "And this was in Clueless. And I bought the Soundtrack and thought 'fuck me, that’s a great band'."

(laughter)

Jonathan: "But I thought - seeing as you were in Clueless - I thought you were like some happy-go-lucky American band."

Thom: "Yeah."

Jonathan: "Imagine my surprise!"

(loud laughter)

Jonathan: "Ah, listen. It was great talking to you, I really appreciate you coming on the show. They’re gonna do one of the best songs they ever recorded, one of the best songs in recent years that I’ve heard. Ladies and Gentlemen, Radiohead in just a second, thank you for now, guys. Thank you Thom, thank you Jonny. I'll see you later, that was great."

[band plays 'Fake Plastic Trees']