[recording starts here]

Ed: Wie geht's?

Colin: Wie geht's. [laughs] That was Ed speaking German there, and I'm Colin, and you're watching Sideshow. And we're Radiohead and we're on it with our CD as well.

[Colin holds up a copy of the My Iron Lung E.P.]

Ed: Get the plug.

Colin: Blatant I know, but it rocks.

[segment]

DJ: Are you guys all big trainspotters?

Colin: Um, trainspotters...

Thom: Eh, actually, saying that, I had a friend who was at the railway station, and there were some of these trainspotters down the end of the, uh, and they all had Radiohead t-shirts on.

Colin: Did they?

Thom: Yep. Three of them. Three of them all with Radiohead t-shirts.

Colin: There you go!

[crosstalk]

Thom: No it was in London.

DJ: So do you think there's some sort of connection between Radiohead fans and trainspotting?

Thom: Yes.

DJ: I would have to agree, because when I went to England, all I did was wear my Radiohead t-shirt, and train spot. For a month.

Thom: Really.

DJ: I'm a big trainspotter. I'm close to getting them all. I think I'm like 2 away.

Thom: And you have cold, clammy hands as well!

DJ: I do. Well thank you so much! [laughs]

DJ: Everytime we go to a show, Colin, you seem extremely preoccupied. Are you coming up with a grocery list in your head on stage or something?

Colin: Really? What do you mean "preoccupied," I seem worried, I seem to be thinking about something...

DJ: Yeah, sort of disconnected...

Colin: Have you only seen us in America?

DJ: No I've seen you in England, too.

Thom: Really?

DJ: Yeah.

Colin: Well there's a lot to think about, you know. I don't want Jonathon to sort of disembowel me with his guitar whilst he's spinning around, or Ed coming over and shouting at me and sort of revealing his nipple and then running away you know. He seems to do some sort of bizarre sort of iron-jaw macho bonding thing that I really want nothing to do with.

[Ed pulls up his t-shirt to reveal his right nipple while making eye contact with Colin]

DJ: So in actuality you're really trying to plan your escape of what to do and...

Colin: I am actually, I'm trying to run away, but I have to stay firmly planted to that spot, you know. And then I've got Phil deafening me with his drums to the other side.

DJ: And now he put up that big shield.

Colin: Oh the sh- well we don't use that anymore.

Thom: When'd you see- You must have seen us on that side, supporting James.

DJ: Yeah, I saw you guys in England with James.

Colin: Was it the Brixton Academy, probably.

DJ: Yeah, and I left before James gone on, because they suck, they suck.

Colin: Well, um, but getting back to, to... well, we all have different approaches. Preoccupied, that's good call. I suppose it's like, often I see a gig as like doing a crossword puzzle, you know, for me it's like you just stand there and you just think about it very hard, really. I'm not really one of the people who put my feet on the monitors and sort of rock out.

DJ: You're not?

Colin: I don't see my guitar-

DJ: You like, struck me as that type.

Colin: -as a really phallic tool to sort of spray bass through the rest of the audience in some kind of machine gun, ejaculatory, masturbatory fashion. It's more of a sort of standing there, low-end frequency, sticking the thing to-

[segment]

DJ: Did Le Mans have a big influence on your hair?

[Colin laughs]

Thom: Ooof. Careful.

Ed: Ooooh! Ah-cha! Oh!

Colin: They've been a profound influence on our music.

DJ: Yeah, I've sensed that. Flock of Seagulls, maybe.

[All sharply inhale.]

Ed: Good lord, this is way below the belt.

DJ: Am I a little out of line here?

Thom: Yeah.

[segment]

DJ: Was the song "You Never Wash Up After Yourself" sort of written as an ode to the English people.

Thom: Yes. [shrugs] Erm. Yes. Pretty much. No, it was an ode to, er, me, really cause um

[crosstalk]

Thom: Well, you know, you lead such a glamorous life, and then you come home and then uh, someone is wiping your bottom and washing up after you. So I suppose it was that.

Colin: I've never had my bottom wiped on tour, I would have to say. Metaphorically or otherwise.

Thom: "I'm finished!"

DJ: "Mom!"

Colin: "Tim! I'm finished." Right?

DJ: Why did you guys change your song from "Goth is Dead" to "Pop is Dead" was that some sort of like tribute to Michael Jackson or like a message to him? Michael Jackson...

Thom: Well no, because we're all goths! So um, Andrew Eldritch came to one of our shows!

DJ: Did he?

Thom: Yeah! He's a fan!

DJ: Did he come on stage and like, be miserable with you?

Thom: Yeah, so we went like that, and he went like that. [gestures in a half-wave, half-point]

Thom: And he's so thin. Bastard! I don't know how he gets that thin, he must do so much speed.

DJ: [to camera] Excuse me, can we take a moment please to look at Thom's body? Can we please?

[camera focuses on Thom's thin frame. Thom sucks in his cheeks and holds out his arms to appear more gaunt.]

Thom: Wot?

[segment]

DJ: Alright. Can we do our rocker test?

Thom: Um-hm.

DJ: I'm going to give you guys our rocker test. Um, how often do you wear leather pants?

Ed: Only at night. In bed.

Colin: With your girlfriend.

Thom: Under duress.

Colin: Under constraint. No, we don't. We don't wear- we play-

Thom: I almost bought some, once.

Colin: Really??

Thom: Yeah, when I was working in [crosstalk]

DJ: So you're just bordering on rocker.

Thom: You know there was that time when they did actually come in for a month and then everyone sort of... No, I never. We didn't. No. Sorry, we fail.

DJ: No.

Thom: Nil point.

DJ: Because the test's not over.

Thom: Nil point for that one.

Ed: [clears throat]

DJ: Ed has, I would say a half a point.

Ed: That's good.

DJ: Um, do you wear sunglasses at night or indoors?

Thom: Definitely. Especially in L.A.

DJ: Total rocker. I knew it!

DJ: What's the longest your hair has ever been?

Thom: [laughs] Coz, actually. You win on the long hair stakes, don't you?

Colin: Yeah, I suppose it got to the point where I could braid it and put it into pony tails

[crosstalk]

Thom: Out here.

Colin: And sort of one in the middle as well.

[crosstalk]

Colin: Sort of three-horned beast, really I'd like to think, yes. But we've all had long hair in various stages of our lives. And we all realized after a while that short hair was the only true way to go.

DJ: Oh yeah I agree, that's why I cut my hair.

Thom: If you wanna be a real man.

DJ: Cause I want to be a real man.

Thom: You've cut-

DJ: Yeah I cut my hair really short. Um, so what's the highest your hair has ever been?

Ed: You should ask Thom about that!

Thom: Oh yeah, that's me! That's me!

Ed: The Brats awards.

Thom: The Brat awards, well I was a bit drunk, so... And I had two, um, I had um, Justine from Elastica on one side and Brett from Suede on the other, and they both had like Hitler haircuts, so it was going on like that. [gestures across his forehead]

Colin: And your Rod Stewart one.

Thom: I had a Rod Stewart one, yeah.

Colin: That's great.

Thom: Well, it was a composition.

[segment]

DJ: So. To our first intellectual question, now that Thom's not here. Who would win in a mud-wrestling match: the Queen or Barbara Bush?

Ed: The Queen.

Colin: I'd have to put my money on royalty because there's been a lot of infighting in the royal family at the moment, and I think they're well geared-up, aren't they. I think it would be healthy thing if our royal family solved a few more of its problems by mud wrestling, if you got like Diane and Charles, you know, slapping the old mud, you know, getting together in a couple of g-strings and stuff, and being televised as well.

Ed: And you could get a lot of money, you could sell the rights to HBO, have it live from like, Vegas, Charles in one corner, Diane in the other, and it would be serious!

Colin: I think it would be a very good way to contest custody of the kids as well, you know, whoever gets like the first count-down, what it's called when you fall down you get 10.

Ed: Pinfall.

Colin: Yeah, pinfall count down.

Ed: There'd have to be a prerequisite though. Charles would have to wear a crotchless gorilla suit.

[crosstalk]

Ed: I mean we don't want to see his fleshy, fleshy body.

[segment]

[Credits roll: "Colin Head / Ed Head / and Thom Head / in / "BEEHIVE BEHENED FRAMED"]

[Exterior: Ed polishes Duran Duran's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.]

Colin: ...something accorded to the favored English artists when they visit America.

Ed: [singing] Simon...

Colin: They get to buff the Duran Duran- This is very important, this is very serious. We're kind of keeping the band's flame alive here, and only very few Capitol artists -- British Capitol artists -- are accorded the privilege of doing it. And we've been chosen.

Ed: John...

Colin: No, it's Simon. It's Simon, not John. Sorry, there's this bit of a split between some people are fans of John Taylor and some of Simon, and they're called the Duran Duran Wars, you know. But erm, you know, I'm a heretic, I'm a bit of a fan of the new guy, Warren Cuccurullo, mainly because of his trousers, they're great. Great flamenco numbers.

Ed: Le Bon is my shepherd. Ye though he may walk through the valley of...

[crosstalk]

Colin: Yes, Ed's a bit of a fanatic. I have to apologize for it. Anyway here were are buffing the Duran Duran sign in L.A. and this is something-

DJ: There's a spot right there...

Colin: Don't tell! Don't- it's alright, we can cut that bit. They don't know about that, we've got to do it right.

Ed: It's shocking, the way that it's kept here! This should be risen up like on a 10 foot platform, with stairs. It's disgusting! People shouldn't be able to walk all over this like [stomps on the star]

Colin: Right, I think we should stop there.